VOICES IN MY HEAD
There are the voices in my head once again this time of year. The ones that tell me to be sad because another year has gone by. The voices that tell me I am getting older and more painful physically than before. The ones that remind me of the pain in my heart over the loss of family members. The ones that remind me that I am a widow and am alone. Sure, my family is near. (Actually, one of my sons lives with me.) But the feelings a widow has, after her husband has passed away, are real. He is gone forever and the loneliness that those thoughts bring to her, to my, heart.
The beginning of a new year reminds me that, wait, I did not fulfill what I promised myself that I would do. It is like 2019 is tugging on my heart not wanting to let go. But then there is 2020 looming large and present making my heart realize that I have to jump into the new year whether I am ready or not. I still have that weight that I promised myself I would lose. (Maybe that cherry pie I bought the other day has something to do with that!) I beat myself over the head for not losing that weight which makes me feel so sad, “feeding” those voices in my head.
When my family had our Christmas together, we sang the 12 days of Christmas. My mother, years ago, had bought drinking glasses with each one of the days printed on it and the tradition is that whatever day we have at our plate during our Christmas dinner, we have to sing that particular day. My dad always gets the fifth day, five golden rings, which he has always made us laugh at the way he sings it. (The new members of our family, always cringe when they realize what we are doing.) I have so many things surrounding me of my mother, my grandmother and of my husband. At times like these when I am sad, tears stream down my face because I will not be able to enjoy the traditions with these loved ones again. The voices in my head get louder and louder trying to pull me down.
As a widow or widower, you see all the couples holding hands. And you long to hold that mate’s hand once more. You see all the families with little ones, and wish for times gone by when your children were little and realize that those were the best times of your life! But they are gone! Even though I have family who cares for me, they are busy creating their families, their lives, their memories. A person who has never been a widow or widower, cannot understand those feelings completely, of being alone. The feelings of being a “third wheel” at a gathering where there are couples. The feelings that you just want to “wrap yourself up” into a ball and feed the loneliness. The voices!
Those of you who know me, are thinking ‘where is that Keela we know and what has happened to her.’ I usually see my glass half full, not empty. I usually try to bring joy and happiness to others, not bring them down. I try to let my light shine for the Lord, but it sounds like the darkness has been trying to creep into my heart. I am just being real here. I am just voicing the feelings I know others have at the end of the year and the beginning of another one. There are so many of us who hear those voices in our heads!
So, what do I, we, need to do to get my, our, thoughts focused back onto our walk with the Lord and not let the devil take hold in our heart? How do we “starve” those feelings so those voices will go away?
- The first step in anything about our lives that we need to change is: we have to REALIZE what we are saying or doing to ourselves. Instead of wallowing in those negative sad thoughts, voices, we need to realize that those voices ARE making us sad. We have to tell ourselves that we need to take steps to change our thought process and replace them with more positive, productive thoughts that are more positive voices.
- We need to figure out HOW to change those voices to positive. I have been trying to think of fun times with those who have passed away. Remember times of laughter and times of happiness that those people brought into our lives. But in the middle of those good times, there are also those memories of “not so” good times. Sometimes it feels better to avoid any memories of our loved ones because of those painful memories. But if we do that, we will miss out on so many of the joyful ones also. Think on the positive times! Let there be positive voices in our heads!
- TALK to others about how you are feeling. This is a really hard one. We do not want anyone to know that we are feeling sad or feeling down on ourselves. We want to put on a happy face and not let anyone know the pain we are in. I have found when I confide in a friend, that some of that burden I am feeling seems lighter. It seems like some of it has been stripped away and we can really see more clearly how to go on with living our lives with the right focus once again front and center.
- FOCUS on the fact that God has given us a purpose to be here in this time in history, this time in other people’s lives. This time to shine His light for others to see. But how? I have written before about Peter when he was walking on the water towards Jesus in Matthew 14. This passage in the Bible shows us clearly what happens to us when we lose our focus off of the purpose God has given us. Peter had an extreme amount of faith that he actually stepped out of that boat. He was walking on the water and looking at Jesus. I visualize Jesus holding out his hand to Peter. But once Peter stopped looking, took his focus off Jesus, Peter started to sink. He started thinking about the storm, the boisterous wind and waves surrounding him, he started to be afraid and sink into the abyss of that dangerous sea. Peter called out for Jesus to save him. Jesus was there to immediately save him from those voices in his head. Those same voices that tell us to be sad, afraid, helpless, worthless, vulnerable, that we are alone. The voices that tell us to curl up into a ball and stop living our lives. Who do you think those voices are coming from? Definitely not our Lord and Savior!
- PRAY and READ the Bible. Connect with God. Regain your focus by talking to God. Tell Him how you are feeling and ask for His help. God already knows what we are going thru. He already knows how we feel. But as in the story of Peter above, we have to ask for help and reach out to God. God is always waiting for us to come to Him. When we feel alone, we need to remember that God is always by our side waiting for us and always ready, immediately, to take us into His arms. Joshua 1:9 reads “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for your Lord God is with you wherever you go.” Reading the Bible connects me to who God is, who He wants me to be and gives me hope. At times when I feel sad, alone, helpless, those scriptures will come into my mind and help me remember God’s goodness and that I have hope thru Him of eternal life one day. One of my favorite books of the Bible is Psalm. There is so much wisdom and comfort in so many scriptures in this book. Here are just a few.
Psalm 145:17-19 reads “The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfil the desire of those who fear Him, He will also hear their cry and save them.”
Psalm 69:29-30 reads “But I am poor and sorrowful; let Your salvation, O God, set me up on high. I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify Him with thanksgiving.”
Psalm 56:3-4 reads “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”
Psalm 37:23-24 reads “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”
Yes, the end of one year and the beginning of a new one, should be one of reflection. But we need to be careful that we do not get so caught in the past that we cannot move on with our future! We might not know what the future will bring, but we know Who holds our future! Center yourself in the reality that you were created by a magnificent God who loves you and only wants the best for you. We just have to do our part and let God be God! The older one gets, the more loved ones we will lose. The more we realize that things and people in our lives grow up and change. When we feel sad and overwhelmed with grief, do something for someone else. Give them a gift-it does not have to cost much. Take a meal to help a young mother with several small children because you know how overwhelming it can be. Get some girls together and go see a movie or just go out to eat together. Call or visit an older person who is feeling alone and cannot get out because of the affects that age can have on the body. When we interact with others, share ourselves with others, we can help ourselves and also them to refocus back on what we were created for in this particular season in our lives.
Voices in my head! When they are negative or sad, we do not have to let them take root in our thoughts. Refocus, share, pray and read scriptures. The good Lord is just waiting for you to reach out to Him and immerse yourself in His word. What are the voices in your head trying to say or make you believe? Replace them with the goodness that only God can give you. That is exactly what I will try to do. Will you join me in getting rid of those negative voices in our heads? Voices! How powerful they can be for our future!
Till next time! Keela