HEART PAIN
Several times, I would come home from my two, sometimes three, jobs and not want to go into the house. My chest felt so tight, like something was twisting and turning like a tornado in there. If it was not for our teenage daughter, I might have stayed in my car. But knowing she was there or coming home soon, helped me get my feet on the driveway and make my way up the stairs to the front door. What was causing this feeling? My husband was in the middle of his two-year deep depression, (which actually continued to plague him until the day he passed away.) I was not sure “which husband” I would find. The one who had gone to the grocery store and put something in the crock pot or the one who had stayed in bed, all day.
I realized this “tornado” in my chest, day after day, was bitterness! I felt bitter towards him. Here I was working so many hours, trying to keep up with our daughters’ activities and at work with clients plastering a smile on my face, whether I really felt like it or not. He was home all day, playing games on his computer and sleeping. I was starting to physically feel sick and of course, the reason was that my heart was spiritually sick!
The meaning of bitterness is: anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly, resentment-envy. When you are bitter, you are thinking about yourself and forgetting what the other person is going through. Key elements are: unresolved anger-the inability to grieve-lack of forgiveness-feeling life is unfair. This bitterness takes hold of the heart and becomes rooted in there. It is so strong that it continues to grow and grow, deeper and deeper. This root feeds the soul with lies. Which makes you feel like you have the right to have disappointing and painful experiences, that would make any human feel hurt, angry or sad. Most can feel these feelings, then let them go. But the bitter person holds on and on, refusing to let go-forgive-give to God. Researchers say holding onto bitterness can: affect metabolism-immune response-lead to physical disease. Bitterness blows out the candle of joy and leaves the soul in darkness.
I was able to separate those feelings within, when I was laughing with my daughter and trying to forget that bitterness, living my life thru her active life. Or when I was with friends or family. But I am sure she and others were able to really see the heart pain I was in.
One day, I finally woke up and realized that I was holding bitterness in my heart towards my husband. When I would come home from a twelve-hour day and he would be in bed, those feelings reared up in my chest. I had to fix supper, do the laundry, clean the house, go to much loved activities with my daughter, etc. and here he was, in bed, been home all day and done nothing. (Now, I want to point out that depression is a disease and he was going through his uncertainties of his future. He was in his own dark place.) But I am addressing in this blog, my bitter heart pain. When that pain in my chest became so fierce and painful, I realized I had to do something. I was sinning by holding those feelings. I needed to turn to God for answers. I prayed, with tears rolling down my face, that God would give me the wisdom to gain the knowledge and understanding to help relieve my heart of this terrible pain. When a person prays for wisdom, they do not automatically get a zap and they know what to do. (God kind of did that with Solomon in the Old Testament.) God gives us the Holy Spirit through reading the scriptures, to give us the knowledge and then the understanding to gain wisdom to fight. Wisdom comes when that knowledge and understanding, is put into action. I turned to scripture. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” I had put myself and my feelings ahead of remembering that God could help me to cleanse and heal my heart. Here are a few scriptures I read that “hit me between the eyes.”
Colossians 3:19 is talking to husbands, but applies to us as wives also, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.”
Acts 8:22-23 “Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you. For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity.”
Hebrews 12:14-15 “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.”
James 3:13-18 “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
There are so many other verses that I leaned onto which helped my hurting heart. But not enough room here.
There are many examples of people in the bible who were bitter towards someone. Go to Genesis 16-18 and read about Sarah’s bitterness of Hagar, even though it was Sarah who caused the situation. The verses above in Acts 8, are talking about a sorcerer, named Simon who wanted to have the power that Peter and John had. He was even willing to pay them for it. And again, so many other examples, but not time or room here.
God led me through these scriptures giving me knowledge how to heal. But I had to do some action to help that healing. Philippians 4:6-8 gave me some understanding what to do. “Be anxious for nothing, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God; and the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Every morning, I would think and write in my journal, ONE good thing that I was thankful for about my husband. Then, I would thank God for him and that one GOOD thing all day. Some days, it was hard to find even one good thing about of him, because of something that may have happened. I remember one extremely tough day thanking God he was still alive! Slowly, but surely, that deep pain in my chest and heart started healing. My husband HAD NOT CHANGED, but God led me through the scriptures to change ME. There were times, that I had to remember this little heart exercise and do it, but that bitterness did not take root again. Thank you, God for Your power, of healing the heart!
I had to give forgiveness. I had to cut down deep into that bitterness that had taken root and residence in my heart. I had to bury it and put those feelings into the past. I was causing myself to miss out on too much goodness in my life that He had given me.
There is so much more that I could say here. This is just a short segment from a book I have in my heart to write, from the angle of a caregiver for a depressed or ill person: DEEP-PRESS-ON: a Caregiver’s Heart.
Why do I keep going to the past and dredging up those hard, painful times? 2Corinthians 1:3-5 reads: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.” My hope in sharing my story and pain, is to help others realize that thru God there is hope-there is a future-there is healing! Now I look back at that time, and remember how hard it was for me. But also, I know it was hard for our daughter as a teenager and the pain she felt, no matter how I tried to protect her, and also for his pain, though his was in a different way.
If you have bitterness in your heart, about any circumstances or against anyone; once you realize that, you have taken the first step. Then, go to God in deep supplication and let the word of God fill and renew your hearts and minds. (Romans 12:2) Open up your heart and let God heal you of your heart pain! I did.
Keela