The look on the face of the organizer of the ladies’ retreat, will be something I will always remember. Years ago, my mother and I went to an overnight ladies’ retreat where I was one of the speakers. My speech was not until the next day. I was so excited to share the story of my struggles in hopes to touch someone’s heart to know that there is hope, even in the worst times of our lives. By this time, I had published one of my books and asked the organizer if I could set up a card table to offer my book for sale. She said no. So, that was ok. My brother had helped me with an overhead presentation, which I was excited to share. At the time of my speech, I got up and thanked the ladies who had gotten the retreat together and we clapped for them. Then I shared with the audience of ladies, my message. Afterwards, I went back and sat down with my mother and friend. The organizer of the ladies’ retreat got up, looked straight at me and with that memorable look on her face, said “I guess we know who we will NOT ask back to the retreat next year.” I did not think much about it that day. But then a few days later, I wondered if she had been talking to me. I let it go and gave it to God. And forgave the lady for her words and the look on her face. What she said was true though, I was never asked back.
Fast forward, about ten years later. For some reason, I started thinking about that day and the look the lady gave me. I was not upset at her, but started questioning why she had looked and said what she did. By these many years later, I did not have the information of how to contact the organizer. I always want to improve my presentations, so I asked my friend who had met me there if she knew why the organizer would have been upset by what I said or did. She said the only thing she could think of was that I had the ladies clap, recognizing the hard work that it took to get the retreat together. She said the night before, the organizer had mentioned there was to be no clapping. Of course, if I would have remembered that, I would never have asked for applause.
I also, knew the lady who had recommended me and sent her a letter asking if she knew why the organizer would have looked and said what she had. She was kind enough to write back and said, yes, it was because of the clapping. Also, I had mentioned my book once while making a point and my speech did not have enough personal examples. She also said, that maybe I should take some speaking courses at the local community college to help with my nervousness.
I was not upset with her for mentioning those things, but rather what she said sent me down the rabbit hole of loss of confidence. For thirty- six years, every other year, I had spent hours getting ready, organizing, writing and speaking at, ladies’ events, with about a hundred in attendance, which lasted all day. I questioned all the speeches I had given, my ability or right to publish books, all the ladies’ classes in homes and at churches I had taught, the right to send out a blog, my organization skills and maybe all of those years of ladies’ days I had organized, were just a waste and not as well received as I had thought. Maybe, the ladies were thrilled that I had stopped. I have always thought that my God given purpose for my life was to share with other women, to help them through hard times in their lives by my speaking engagements, my blog and my books. God had allowed me to go through those rough years, so that I could give women hope. But maybe, I have just been fooling myself all these years.
Have you ever gone down a rabbit hole like I did? Down into the darkness with no end in sight-only negativity? Stomping on the values and purpose of your life and questioning the years of, what you perceived as God’s purpose, for your life? I, to a certain extent, have always been that way. When a negative comment is made to me, I don’t get upset but rather question my motives and the core of who I am and try to make improvements. This time, I wondered if I had wasted my time, money and effort on what I had done in the past. Disillusioning myself of all those years.
The reason I thought about that day, years ago, was that I wanted to know how to improve myself, to help me to be a better speaker, better Christian woman. But instead, I let myself listen to the darkness of the devil and I sank into that rabbit hole. After having my rabbit hole of a pity party, I fought my way back to being the positive person that I try hard to be. I started thinking about all the times I had put myself out there and had positive responses. I remembered the time that I had given a speech and started having a coughing fit in the middle of it. Afterwards, a woman and her friend came up to me and told me that she had planned to commit suicide when she got home. But because of something I said in my speech, I gave her hope to keep on living. I knew, God had used me that day, even in my humanness, to give her encouragement that life is worth living. I remembered all the thank you cards, I have gotten through the years for the time and love I had poured into the ladies’ events, I had organized. I remembered a ladies’ event that I was the only speaker. I gave three speeches that day. They had created the entire day around what I was speaking on. The ladies praised and thanked me for coming and many sent cards. I thought of the ladies’ event where between 1000 to 1500 attend. I have been asked to be a vendor of my books in their arena. (Because of covid, events like these had been stopped but are slowly coming back.) I realized that I did not want to listen to anymore of the devils lies that sent me into the tailspin of darkness. I knew my rabbit hole of self-doubt was not how a Christian woman (especially of my age) should be living the rest of her life. I realized I needed to reach up to the light of God and pull myself back into His marvelous light.
I looked back on my life and the things I had done and instead of thinking of all of them as negative, I started thinking of them as positive. I remembered who God says that I am: chosen-redeemed-fearfully and wonderfully made-unique-victor instead of victim-valuable-one of a kind-accepted-daughter of the King. Nothing is more powerful than what we say to ourselves. If we hear enough negativity from yourself or others, you begin to believe it and succumb to the lies of the devil, who wants to keep you in a rabbit hole of darkness. You become a follower of the devil in the darkness instead of in God who is light!
You are asking yourself, why is she telling this story. Why put myself out there raw and fresh with doubts. It had taken me many years to build my self -confidence up to be able to put myself out there in the first place and then in a matter of minutes, I dug myself into that hole of lack of self-confidence. Did you recognize the word in that last sentence, that was wrong for a Christian woman to feel? That word is-SELF. It is not about MY abilities or how great of a job I do or do not do. It is about God and the confidence we get through Him and the faith that God will continue to be with us, if it is in His will for our purpose. I started praying and reading scripture.
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” God never puts inside your heart to do something and then not give you the ability or ways to achieve it. We are to have our trust and faith in God. I turned to my mothers’ favorite verse in the Bible. Ephesians 3:20-21. “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” We cannot even begin to imagine what God can do thru us when we realize that He is in control and guides our steps, if we obey His laws. We have to have confidence that we, through God’s help, can do things we cannot even image doing! That is God confidence, not self-confidence.
Our confidence is built up through previous experience. Times when God has shown us the way and given us the words to accomplish according to our God given purpose. A confident person is merely a realist who understands his or her own ability, thru God. Proverbs 3:5-6, 26 reads “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths… For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Paul said in 2 Corinthians 2:12 “…a door was opened to me by the Lord…” Paul’s confidence was not in himself. After all, Paul had killed Christians before he was called by the Lord. How could anyone believe him? The only way was that God would guide his steps, give him confidence and open doors for him, even though Paul had many discouragements (2 Corinthians 1:8).
So, what have I learned? The resurrection of Jesus provides the key throughout life that confidence is based not on OURSELVES or OUR abilities but on God who can raise the dead and give us the capacity to face adversity and our fears. Our confidence lies in the fact that God is God and if it is His will, it will happen. Our relationship with God hinges on the fact that one day, if we have been faithful, we will see God in heaven when our time on this earth is over. If I stayed in that rabbit hole, of lack of confidence, God could not work with and through me to fulfill His purpose for the rest of my life.
I am thankful for the feedback these ladies gave me. I reacted in the wrong way by falling into the dark hole of self-doubt. I will look into some college classes, even at the age of 66. I have learned to remember the requests by the organizer of ladies’ days and keep those out of my speech and actions. I am assured I have helped women walk closer to God through the years. They have told me, either by the physical or mental help I have given them that there is hope, even in the midst of adversity. I have helped them to: take one more step-live one more minute-remember they are a daughter of the one and only King-to have courage-help them to see with God, anything is possible.
Are there any opportunities out there for me to share my story either by getting up in front and sharing what I have gone through, share my thoughts in this blog or through the pages of another book? Only God knows. But I do have confidence in Him that if I am to share my story to others in the future, that God will open those doors for me. I just have to take the first step and have confidence that through God, all things are possible! He will give me the words and heart felt message that woman need to hear.
Rabbit holes! It is dark down there. It is painful down there. It makes you think things that are not true. Don’t stay down there or you will have let the devil win. Dig your way out. Don’t listen to the negativity that the devil feeds you and reach out and find God’s light! I did! Thank you, God!
Till next time!
Keela