FORGIVENESS
To forgive means: to pardon or absolve of wrongdoing-to cancel a debt-to give up resentment-to stop blaming or wanting to punish someone for a wrong action, mistake or injury they have done to you or you yourself have done.
The person who has hurt us does not have to say he is sorry, for us to give him forgiveness. Forgiveness does not depend on whether the person being forgiven deserves it; but it is a choice made that is an act of obedience to God’s Word. We are commanded to forgive. Mark 1:25-26 reads “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in Heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in Heaven forgive your trespasses.” We need to release-let go of, the hold someone has on us and give it to God.
Forgiveness does not change what happened or take the situation totally out of our mind. Instead, it changes the way we remember it, causing less pain. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. To forgive does not mean we are accepting or condoning what they did or we think it was ok, but rather forgiving sets ME free, releasing ME from the hurt. If we don’t forgive what happened, we are held hostage. We can’t go into our future because we are holding on to the past. We are stuck!
Unforgiveness poisons anyone who holds on to it, causing bitterness-anger-the desire for revenge. It is impossible to be bitter and get better at the same time. We have to make the choice to forgive others and not give those hurtful words or actions the permission to make us not want to forgive.
Unforgiveness zaps us of energy and strength to do the service God has planned for our lives. When you release a person, by forgiving them, it is not because they deserve it, but because YOU deserve to be released from that hurt they have caused. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the other person is right. It means YOU are right with God. Hebrews 8:12 “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.”
The person who has hurt you has freewill just as you do. You cannot control them, but you can control your thoughts and your free will to forgive. When we forgive a person who has never even asked for it, we are releasing that hold the person has on us that is strangling the very breath we are breathing. If we do not forgive, we leave our hearts open to the attacks of the devil.
Forgiveness is difficult because the pain is real. When someone hurts us, our natural instinct is often to protect ourselves, hold onto resentment or wait until the other person makes things right. Jesus calls us to something better. He calls us to forgive, not because the hurt didn’t matter, and not because the other person has earned it, but because we have been forgiven by God. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.”
Jesus understands what it feels like to be hurt by others. He experienced betrayal, rejection, mockery, physical pain and deep emotional pain. Look at what He said as He hung on that horrible cross. Luke 23:34 “Then Jesus said, Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do.” If Jesus can forgive all those hurts, how come I can’t forgive when I have been hurt. Jesus suffered, He understands our hurt completely. When we bring our pain to Jesus, we will find comfort, compassion, strength and the ability to forgive others.
There is not enough space to tell all that happened, but I had a time when I had to forgive my brother-in-law. He wanted me to convince my husband to meet him in the middle of nowhere, so he could give my husband his inheritance when their mother passed away. I refused, because my brother-in-law had threatened my husband many times. Well, when I told him no, he threatened to kill me. He never apologized. He never admitted he had done anything wrong. He never asked for forgiveness from me or my husband. But I HAD to forgive him. The reason I had to do that was for ME, for my well-being, to guard my heart-to not let him control me and my mind and to be in obedience to God. Forgiveness is to free me of the hurt, not the other person. If we don’t release ourselves from lack of forgiveness, it will rule our hearts and minds. Basically, the devil moves into our thoughts and heart.
I don’t know why, but it is always harder to forgive myself than another. I find myself praying and continuing to ask God for the same forgiveness over and over. We continue to punish ourselves because we feel we have not received God’s gift of forgiveness. But God forgives us the first time we ask. When we keep holding onto what we can’t forgive ourselves of, it is like continuously picking at a scab. It will not heal. We will never truly forgive ourselves, if we don’t remember God’s promise of forgiveness. Not forgiving things in our past will never free us of the past, only keep us stuck there. If you don’t forgive yourself, you will teach your children that they can’t make mistakes. If we don’t forgive ourselves, we are not going to ever move forward, because it will be like a weight is around our ankle holding us back.
I want to point out, it is possible and very important, to forgive someone fully and still set healthy boundaries. There are so many who are suffering abuse of one sort or the other and need to get out of the situation they are in. With my situation with my brother-in-law, I had to forgive him, not for him but for ME. But I didn’t have to talk on phone to him-I didn’t have to be where he was-I didn’t ever have to see him again-trust him-not let him hurt me, my husband or my kids anymore. It is hard to forgive someone when they don’t ask for our forgiveness. Nowhere in scripture does it tell us that they have to ask for forgiveness, before we forgive them.
Forgiveness and trust are not always the same thing. That is why we have to set up those boundaries. Forgiveness can be given immediately but trust is rebuilt over time. Trust cannot be forced, because it requires the offender to prove themselves. The only person who we can truly trust is God. Holding onto hurt and not forgiving, often keeps us trapped in anger and pain. Forgiveness, on the other hand, opens the door to healing, freedom and peace for ourselves. When we remember how much God has forgiven us, we find the strength to forgive others. Loving like Jesus means extending the same grace and mercy we have received. It is not easy. But it is commanded. Me forgiving my brother-in-law had nothing to do with me trusting him.
You will know you have truly forgiven a person when you genuinely want the best in life for them and can sincerely pray for God to bless them.
Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive our trespasses.”
Colossians 1:12-14 “Giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.”
Till next time!
Keela